Hellhound Shopping Club

Tarrant 33.1340.094

DearJah:

Just thought I'd write to tell you that we at Thatcher-Queen Intergalactic Press are terrifically pleased with the sales racked up by your boffo new Space Opera, Log of the Hellhound. In fact, our president, Ann Worthyone, has given me and the other members of our marketing division the exciting job of creating "spin-offs" of your product in order to generate more sales and more revenue for both TQP and yourself! Here are some advertafax for the Hellhound based items we have in mind. I'm sure you will be impressed by their variety and quality.

You will find enclosed our standard contract. Please read it, sign in all spaces marked with an "X" and return all 63 pages to us at your earliest convenience. We are ready to start making you really big credits!

Sincerely,

Del Bowker
Vice President
Marketing Division

 

LONG BLACK LEATHER COAT -- You'll fry their synapses in this beautiful genuine vay-vay coat with crimson sateen lining. Goes with any color of silk shirt. There's a secret pocket for diamonds or other valuables!

LEATHER JACKET WITH STUDS -- There's enough fringe, studs, buckles and mirrors on this to satisfy the most demanding Tarrant "wannabe." Never mind that the clanking noise this baby makes would have attracted all the Feds within fifty spacials! Slip it on… and smile!

"REBEL POETS SHIRT" -- This loose and comfy item made of recycled syntha-linen will identify you as a dissident with earthy and unpretentious tastes…a person who trusts. Comes in two exciting colors: white and off-white.

PATTERNED "DELTA" SHIRT -- In a variety of exciting colors and prints for the man who wants to stand out in the crowd. Choose black and magenta or orange and lavender, stripes, "mod art" pattern, or jungle print.

MUTOID TOGS -- The latest in new style! Black vinyl copies of ancient mutoid fashion will make you "Karl" to your lady's "Servalan." Choice of jacket, trousers, or pajama bottoms. Order all three and receive a free "mutoid" hat!

Soon we will be expanding into women's fashions. Be on the lockout for our line of "Sleer Chic" evening gowns and lingerie; "Lady Steffany" career coordinates; "Dayna Danger" sportswear; and "Spacer Girl" clothes for the working crewwoman, based on styles worn by Bev Hastings, Zara Miller, and Bo Brody.

Hellhound T-shirts:

These snappy slogans and awesome drawings, silk screened on 100% Plasta-Cotton, will show the universe which side you were on in the revolution!

LET ME BITE YOU AND WE SHALL SEE REBEL FODDER (available with or without bullseye)
HELLHOUND ON A ONE HORSE PLANET
MUTOIDS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO (with hand reaching out to grab)
DO IT ON DACHAU
LITTLE ARROGANT SMART-@#%!! (child's size only)
VISIT SCENIC HEARNE (with snarling wolf)
THANKS, NAROO
VASHTI'S HOUSE OF PLEASURE: STAFF STAR RISE BAR AND GRILL
PROPERTY OF OMEGA THREE
PAYNE'S BODY SHOP: "YOU BONK ‘EM; WE FIX ‘EM.
"FROG OF THE HELLHOUND (with frog in punk gear and striped hair)

Sizes: S. M, L, and XL
Colors: white, black, silver gray, and red.

NEW! HELLHOUND RELATED BOOKS FROM TQ PRESS!

The Hellhound Reader's Companion. Confused by who's related to who? How many people are in Blake's group at any given time? Who's really a bad guy. and who's faking it? Want to know how long Lew Brody's hair is? How many pairs of riding pants Avon had? What Blake's sister's name was? It's all here, with a handy cross-referenced index, maps, illustrations, and actual source documents, including Kerr Avon's intake file for Omega Three (diagnosis: "acute paranoia"). Also lists all the strange little contradictions that somehow slipped into the Books, and gives possible reasons for them…. "I forgot that I'd already killed her, okay?" A treasure trove of info for the fan!

Inside the Federation by Rakhiel Travis. If you want to know how the scum-sucking monsters in charge lived while the rest of us were out there fighting for freedom, you won't want to miss this one! Yes, it's been published before as a serious study, but for this edition we've taken out all the boring parts about political theory, the author's remorse, and the statistics, to leave only the naughty bits about Fed-sponsored orgies and Servalan's bedroom technique! We've even added hot stills from Hugh Heiner the 13th's "movie version." Don't miss it!

The Hellhound Cookbook. How can you read those mouthwatering descriptions of food on the Hellhound without wanting to taste it for yourself? Recipes for such delicacies as Raldeeni Glitchog Stew, Bev's Oatmeal Bread, Vila's Delta Delite Frosted Brownies, and Dafydd's Steak Tartar fill this unique volume with tasty treats. Serve 'em up for a friend! And don't overlook (hic!) the recipe for Cally's Original Organic Soma and Adrenaline.

Emergency Space Medicine by Fen Payne and Paul Vittare. When you're light-years from home and cut your finger to the bone while making Glitchog Stew (see above), you need advice fast! This handy volume, by two experienced Space Docs, will give you the help you need to set broken bones, care for blast burns, and deal with emergency amputations. Special chapter on "Going Nuts in Space" by the famous Dr. Steffany White, author of How to Date the Raving Nutbar of Your Choice. Wimpv Women. Crazy Men. and I'm Okay: You're a Mary Sue.

How To Pick Up Spacer Girls by Lew Brody and Rakhiel Travis. Tried and true tricks of the trade by two well-known experts in the field. Describes how to select a likely young lady, what scintillating lines to use (e.g. "didn't I see you last year at the space yacht races on Alpha Centauri?") and when it's a lost cause…when she drills you with a gas pump gun. Includes chapter on safe space sex, just to give it some small amount of propriety!

Computer Design in Your Spare Time by Max Wingo. We include this book only for the snob appeal…no one we've ever sold it to has been able to complete any of these "projects," such as "Build Your Own Orac Mark IV." But leaving it out on the coffee table will impress the hell out of your friends.

Art of the Hellhound edited by Leah Rosenthrill. A lavish, coffee table book containing all of the most famous renditions of Hellhound characters, including the incomparable series by Picasso. And the centerfold is—gasp!—you guessed it, the famous Rathberg nudie. Don't miss the chapter where Hellhound artist K. Larkin gives her advice on how to trace from J. C. Penney's catalogs, how to draw so awful that nobody looks like who they're supposed to be, and how to give seated figures two right legs.

 

COMING OUT SOON!

HELLHOUND: The Next Generation by Jahove Restal. Yes, for all you fans who can't get enough, here's the next twenty book long saga that takes the Hellhound characters into the next century. What will become of the rivalry between the Avon Brothers? Will the beautiful Deena Tarrant find true love? Can they keep the Mellanbys "down on the farm?" Can Blood Hakharrian succeed as the Fleet Captain of Avon-Serada, and find out his true parentage? Does Blake have any children, or was he too careful for his own good (and our reading pleasure)? And what rotten, no-good and nasty things does Jude have up his sleeve? You'll have to read the books!

Songs from the Log of the Hellhound

A high quality microdisk of all the famous and wonderful Hellhound songs; many by the original artists! (Because they're all dead and when Star One was destroyed all the records of their descendants were wiped out so we don't have to pay anybody any royalties!) Other selections are sung by descendants of the people you met in the Log, such as Tina Mellanbv-Hendricks; Eddie Travis and the Space Cruisers; Milli Vila; Duke, Dude, Dwayne, and Durango; Tarrant and the Green Planet Boys; The Un-Human League; and Blasters ‘N’ Roses.

Songs Not from the Log of the Hellhound

Ever wondered why all those Hellhound songs were so grim? This collection is of songs that were sung by the Hellhound crew (according to the original logs and their memoirs) but were not "meaningful" enough for Jahove Restal to stick underneath the title of a story, or even try to foist off in a "concert." If you're sick of "Just a Shadow." why don't you give a listen to:

"Red, Red Wine"
"Fly, Robin, Fly"
"Found a Peanut." (Said to be Sevran's favorite)
"Karma Chameleon."
"Mony Mony."
"Feelings"
"Little Red Corvette"
"Disco Duck." (Some people insist that Blake adored this one. We are unsure.)
"Revolution" (In our opinion, this might have been Blake's favorite.)
"(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." (Then again, this could have been Blake's favorite. Or Avon's.)
"Sex (I'm a…)"
"Bring .another Bottle, Baby." (Definitely Vila's favorite. No question about that!)
"Bang Bang, My Baby Shot Me Down."

And, to show our fairness, we’re including that favorite of Federation officers everywhere:

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Other exciting products in the research and development phase:

Hellhound: The Game
Hellhound Babies (a Saturday morning cartoon)
Hellhound action figures
Reproductions of the Rathberg nude on black velvet
Plastic models
Stuffed toy "Hellpound Puppies"
Hellhound condoms (Black with studs and white stripes)
Hellhound cookies (shaped like dog's heads)

Hellhound party kit (Black and red napkins, paper plates, streamers, noisemakers, confetti, invitations with illustration of the business end of a blaster, and instructions on how to play "Spin the DCB bottle."
HellCon the official Hellhound fan's con. Confirmed guests include six Tarrants, Eddie Travis, Plasma Hakhaman, Rajah Pier Fox Vittare, another clone of Cally, Picasso, and, of course, our guest of honor, Jahove Kerr Restal. We are also trying desperately to locate any direct descendants of the great Roj Blake!

 

Naroo 16, 1340.94

Dear Del:

Take this contract and shove it!

Sincerely,

Jahove K. Restal

Read my Dreambook!

 

 Ashton Press/Ann Wortham

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