Hellhound Shopping Club
Tarrant
33.1340.094 DearJah: Just thought I'd write to tell you that we at
Thatcher-Queen Intergalactic Press are terrifically pleased with the sales
racked up by your boffo new Space Opera, Log of the Hellhound. In fact,
our president, Ann Worthyone, has given me and the other members of our
marketing division the exciting job of creating "spin-offs" of your
product in order to generate more sales and more revenue for both TQP and
yourself! Here are some advertafax for the Hellhound based items we
have in mind. I'm sure you will be impressed by their variety and quality. You will find enclosed our standard contract.
Please read it, sign in all spaces marked with an "X" and return
all 63 pages to us at your earliest convenience. We are ready to start making
you really big credits! Sincerely, Del Bowker LONG BLACK LEATHER COAT -- You'll fry their
synapses in this beautiful genuine vay-vay coat with crimson sateen
lining. Goes with any color of silk shirt. There's a secret pocket for
diamonds or other valuables! LEATHER JACKET WITH STUDS -- There's enough
fringe, studs, buckles and mirrors on this to satisfy the most demanding
Tarrant "wannabe." Never mind that the clanking noise this baby
makes would have attracted all the Feds within fifty spacials! Slip it on…
and smile! "REBEL POETS SHIRT" -- This loose and
comfy item made of recycled syntha-linen will identify you as a dissident
with earthy and unpretentious tastes…a person who trusts. Comes in two
exciting colors: white and off-white. PATTERNED "DELTA" SHIRT -- In a
variety of exciting colors and prints for the man who wants to stand out in
the crowd. Choose black and magenta or orange and lavender, stripes,
"mod art" pattern, or jungle print. MUTOID TOGS -- The latest in new style! Black
vinyl copies of ancient mutoid fashion will make you "Karl" to your
lady's "Servalan." Choice of jacket, trousers, or pajama
bottoms. Order all three and receive a free "mutoid" hat! Soon we will be expanding into women's fashions.
Be on the lockout for our line of "Sleer Chic" evening gowns and
lingerie; "Lady Steffany" career coordinates; "Dayna
Danger" sportswear; and "Spacer Girl" clothes for the working
crewwoman, based on styles worn by Bev Hastings, Zara Miller, and Bo Brody. Hellhound T-shirts: These snappy slogans and awesome drawings, silk
screened on 100% Plasta-Cotton, will show the universe which side you
were on in the revolution! LET ME BITE YOU AND WE SHALL SEE REBEL FODDER
(available with or without bullseye) Sizes: S. M, L, and XL NEW! HELLHOUND RELATED
BOOKS FROM TQ PRESS! The Hellhound Reader's Companion. Confused by who's related to who? How many people are in
Blake's group at any given time? Who's really a bad guy. and who's faking it?
Want to know how long Lew Brody's hair is? How many pairs of riding pants
Avon had? What Blake's sister's name was? It's all here, with a handy
cross-referenced index, maps, illustrations, and actual source documents,
including Kerr Avon's intake file for Omega Three (diagnosis: "acute
paranoia"). Also lists all the strange little contradictions that
somehow slipped into the Books, and gives possible reasons for them…. "I
forgot that I'd already killed her, okay?" A treasure trove of info for
the fan! Inside the Federation by Rakhiel Travis. If you want to know how the
scum-sucking monsters in charge lived while the rest of us were out there
fighting for freedom, you won't want to miss this one! Yes, it's been
published before as a serious study, but for this edition we've taken out all
the boring parts about political theory, the author's remorse, and the
statistics, to leave only the naughty bits about Fed-sponsored orgies and
Servalan's bedroom technique! We've even added hot stills from Hugh Heiner
the 13th's "movie version." Don't miss it! The Hellhound Cookbook. How can you read those mouthwatering descriptions of
food on the Hellhound without wanting to taste it for yourself?
Recipes for such delicacies as Raldeeni Glitchog Stew, Bev's Oatmeal Bread,
Vila's Delta Delite Frosted Brownies, and Dafydd's Steak Tartar fill this
unique volume with tasty treats. Serve 'em up for a friend! And don't
overlook (hic!) the recipe for Cally's Original Organic Soma and Adrenaline. Emergency Space Medicine by Fen Payne and Paul Vittare. When you're light-years
from home and cut your finger to the bone while making Glitchog Stew
(see above), you need advice fast! This handy volume, by two experienced
Space Docs, will give you the help you need to set broken bones, care for
blast burns, and deal with emergency amputations. Special chapter on
"Going Nuts in Space" by the famous Dr. Steffany White, author of
How to Date the Raving Nutbar of Your Choice. Wimpv Women. Crazy Men. and
I'm Okay: You're a Mary Sue. How To Pick Up Spacer Girls by Lew Brody and Rakhiel Travis. Tried and true tricks
of the trade by two well-known experts in the field. Describes how to select
a likely young lady, what scintillating lines to use (e.g. "didn't I see
you last year at the space yacht races on Alpha Centauri?") and when
it's a lost cause…when she drills you with a gas pump gun. Includes chapter
on safe space sex, just to give it some small amount of propriety! Computer Design in Your Spare Time by Max Wingo. We include this book only for the snob
appeal…no one we've ever sold it to has been able to complete any of these
"projects," such as "Build Your Own Orac Mark IV." But
leaving it out on the coffee table will impress the hell out of your friends. Art of the Hellhound edited by Leah Rosenthrill. A lavish, coffee table book
containing all of the most famous renditions of Hellhound characters,
including the incomparable series by Picasso. And the centerfold is—gasp!—you
guessed it, the famous Rathberg nudie. Don't miss the chapter where Hellhound
artist K. Larkin gives her advice on how to trace from J. C. Penney's
catalogs, how to draw so awful that nobody looks like who they're supposed to
be, and how to give seated figures two right legs. COMING OUT SOON! HELLHOUND: The Next Generation
by Jahove Restal. Yes, for all you fans who can't get enough, here's the next
twenty book long saga that takes the Hellhound characters into the
next century. What will become of the rivalry between the Avon Brothers? Will
the beautiful Deena Tarrant find true love? Can they keep the Mellanbys
"down on the farm?" Can Blood Hakharrian succeed as the Fleet
Captain of Avon-Serada, and find out his true parentage? Does Blake have any
children, or was he too careful for his own good (and our reading pleasure)?
And what rotten, no-good and nasty things does Jude have up his sleeve?
You'll have to read the books! Songs from the Log of the Hellhound A high quality microdisk of all the famous and
wonderful Hellhound songs; many by the original artists!
(Because they're all dead and when Star One was destroyed all the records of
their descendants were wiped out so we don't have to pay anybody any royalties!)
Other selections are sung by descendants of the people you met in the Log,
such as Tina Mellanbv-Hendricks; Eddie Travis and the Space Cruisers; Milli
Vila; Duke, Dude, Dwayne, and Durango; Tarrant and the Green Planet Boys; The
Un-Human League; and Blasters ‘N’ Roses. Songs Not from the Log of the Hellhound Ever wondered why all those Hellhound
songs were so grim? This collection is of songs that were sung by the Hellhound
crew (according to the original logs and their memoirs) but were not
"meaningful" enough for Jahove Restal to stick underneath the title
of a story, or even try to foist off in a "concert." If you're sick
of "Just a Shadow." why don't you give a listen to: "Red, Red Wine" And, to show our fairness, we’re including that
favorite of Federation officers everywhere: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Other exciting products in the research and
development phase: Hellhound:
The Game Hellhound
party kit (Black and red napkins, paper plates, streamers, noisemakers,
confetti, invitations with illustration of the business end of a blaster, and
instructions on how to play "Spin the DCB bottle." Naroo 16,
1340.94 Dear Del: Take this contract and shove it! Sincerely, Jahove K. Restal |
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